Ice Ice Baby!
by MissDementia
Summary: Christmas is finally here! How on Earth does our favorite, demented couple spend this wonderful holiday?


Ice Ice Baby!

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything._

* * *

"On tha' first day of Christmas my Puddin' gave to me…erm…"

Harley paused momentarily as she placed the index finger of her unoccupied hand on her pallid chin; a delightful look of consideration on her pleasant face. Raising a golden eyebrow, her blue eyes scanned the grand, once abandoned theater; her concentrated gaze looking for a reliable source that would complete her merry song. A dazzling smile soon etched itself upon her pale face as her azure eyes landed on one of her lover's henchman that was keeping guard near the abandoned theater's door.

"a deranged henchman with a goatee!"

The very cheery Harley heard a deep growl emit from the big, burly man's throat but she merely twittered gleefully as she continued with the setting up of the dinning table. The decoration of their home was almost complete!

Skipping to the kitchen, Harley snatched the culinary mittens that lied unceremoniously on the counter and opened the heated oven. In doing so, a delightful aroma arose into the atmosphere and Harley's pearly white teeth gleamed once more as she eyed the mouth watering roasted turkey that lay within the heat chamber; prepared and ready to be ravished. With complete care, Harley slowly took out the handsome meat, cradled it within her arms and closed the oven's door with her rear end. Walking with care but with a slight pep to her strides, the young woman made it once more to the wonderfully decorated dinning room.

Harley placed the delectable, well prepared bird in the middle of the table right next to the luscious mash potatoes and let out a contented and satisfied sigh.

"Ain't it just incredible, Mickey?" Harley squealed as she turned her focus once more to the dark figure by the theater's entrance. "I can't believe I managed all of this in one day! Guess Love does give a person the strength to do all sorts o' stuff!"

All Harley received as a response was a grunt of acknowledgement.

Harley frowned momentarily and gently slid one of the mittens off her hand.

"Do I need to get one o' Mistah Jay's happy grenades to turn that frown upside down, Mickey?" Harley threatened as she shook the removed mitten in his direction. Cursing under his breath, the unnerved henchman forced out a smile that resembled a sneer more than grin.

"Now tha's more like it," Beamed a now satisfied Harley. The giddy harlequin did not notice the Henchman roll his eyes at her as she turned to her finished adornments.

Harley excitedly clapped her hands as she looked over once more at the theater.

At the top of all the walls, green and red boas were expertly nailed around the whole theatre. The Christmas tree, that was located at the far corner of the theater's converted parlor, was streamed with emerald, orange and purple lights; the lustrous glows illuminating the entire, spacious hide-out. Scattered beneath the iridescent tree, numerous exquisitely wrapped presents lay; their ribbons twinkling with pride. Harley's eyes turned once more to the renovated table. Napkins nicely folded in the shape of fans, exceptional silverware placed accurately beside the fine china; the table was undoubtedly a beautiful work of art.

Harley gave out a contented squeal and said happily, "Now all I'm missing is my Puddin'! And I'm not talking about dessert! Although, not that I would mind having Mistah Jay as my dessert" Harley giggled.

As if on cue, the front door to the theater opened and a purple, slouched form entered the premises. The Clown Prince of Crime, with a heartbreaking frown on his blanched face, kicked the door closed and apathetically walked forward.

Harley bit her lip but managed to squeak out, "Hi, Puddin'." However, all she received as a response was a deep, gloomy sigh. The Joker walked past her, not even sparing a glance in her direction, and continued moving forward until Harley lost sight of him in the hallway. Harley then jumped slightly when she heard the sound of what she assumed to be the door to his study room slam shut.

Bud and Lou, who had been sleeping beside the Christmas tree, both stirred awake and gazed at Harley with a questioning gaze. Harley's bottom lip stuck out as she turned her head in the direction of the table. 'So much for our romantic dinner,_'_ Harley Quinn thought sulkily as she removed her other mitten and placed both now removed mitts on the table.

The former psychiatrist then felt something caress against her firm legs and kneeled down to her adoring pooches. She began scratching both their heads as she said, "Hey, Babies! Sorry about that. Looks like Daddy had a bad day." Bud began whimpering, as if he understood that his master was unhappy. "I know, sweetheart. Hmmm…Think Mama should check on him?" The two hyenas let out gentle chuckles as Harley continued to stroke their small Mohawks. "I guess your right."

Harley gently got up and placed her hand to her heart, a look of complete determination on her face. "My Puddin' needs me and I ain't lettin' him down!" With a quick nod to herself, Harley made her way to the Joker's study; her spunk none faltering. The two creatures merely continued to snicker, as if laughing at Harley's adorable little speech.

* * *

Once Harley arrived at the study room's door, she took a deep breath and turned the knob.

As she was entering the room, a glittering object was flung in her direction. Harley squealed as she managed to quickly dodge the shiny, sharp dagger by a few centimeters. Harley let out a relieved breath and gently closed the door behind her.

"Go away," she heard his captivating voice murmur.

Harley spotted him in his usual desk; however his current position was anything but usual. His head was slumped over his folded arms, his emerald hair gleaming under the faint lights above.

Nervous but determined, Harley bit her lip once more and slowly approached her love; her dainty footsteps seeming to synchronize with the pounding of her heart that was hammering in her ears.

"Everything alright, Pud?" Harley knew this was a stupid question, she could read it from his body language that he was not okay, but she just could not help asking it. She needed to start somewhere.

Another sigh.

"Mistah Jay?" She was right behind him now. She knew she was walking on thin ice right now, but she really wanted to help him. As she was about to place her hands on his back, Joker quickly turned to face her. Harley, who jumped at the sudden action, landed on her bottom.

Joker growled menacingly in her direction, but quickly turned away from her. Howbeit, this time, the Joker did not hide his face. He merely glared at the space in front of him. Rubbing her aching rump, Harley stood up and approached him once more.

"C'mon, Pud. Dontcha wanna talk about it?"

"You, my dear, are lucky that I do not have another blade with me."

Harley took a seat on the desk, her feet dangling in front of her. She was, as she expected, shoved immediately off and landed on the floor once more. She knew he was only taking his anger out on her. She just wished she didn't bruise so easily.

As she brushed herself off once more, she noticed he was scribbling down something on his desk now. Curious, Harley tried to peek at what he was drawing. "Watcha' doin', Pud?"

"Oh why even bother," Joker sulked to himself as he launched the pencil. "It's not like he's gonna come anyway. All my attempts are worth squadoo!"

Harley's lips parted slightly as she realized what was upsetting her angel. It seemed recently that the Dork Knight wasn't impeding any of their schemes. Much to her Puddin's dismay, the only ones that seemed to be trying to stop their heinous acts were the idiotic duo; Brat Girl and The Boy Blunder. To say that the Joker was upset was a major understatement.

"No one to fight me! Not an ounce of challenge from those two! Can you believe they had the audacity to even turn up to another one of my genius projects! Three blasted days! It's like Ole Batso' doesn't even care anymore!"

During his continued rant, Harley managed to pull up a chair and planted herself right beside him; all the while nodding in compliance and murmuring small remarks of agreement. Better to let him release his disgruntlement.

Face on his palm, Joker muttered, "What on Earth could that caped nitwit be doing that is more important than trying to foil my brilliant plans?" Eyes wide, the Clown Prince looked at Harley. "You don't think he found someone else, do you? What if instead of counter attacking my intellect he's out there, tussling with that simpleton, Nigma?"

Harley did her best not to pinch her nose bridge. As much as she hated to admit it, she would rather have her darling push her down a building than hear him talk about his other woman, erm…Batman.

"Maybe he got sick, Puddin'? You know the sniffles have been goin' around lately."

The Joker rolled his eyes as he glanced at Harley. "I doubt that the sniffles are enough to hinder the 'Dark Knight', Harls. If anything, he'd take me full on even if he _was_ ill."

Index fingers outstretched, the Joker raised both his hands to his noggin, and deepened his voice as he rasped out, "It is my duty to aid Gotham City. In sickness or in death, till' death do us part!"

"That's for a weddin', Pud!" Harley giggled.

"Well Guano Breath sure makes it seem that way. Anyway, point being, I bet that dressed up buffoon is doing this on purpose, most likely to irritate me. But maybe," Joker, violaceous eyes wide once more, pulled open a bottom drawer as he grasped another sharp pencil, "Maybe if I come up with a true masterpiece of a plan, that pointy headed ignoramus will have no choice but to face me!"

Before he could begin scribbling ideas, however, a small hand placed itself on his back. Joker's grasp on the pencil grew too much that the poor thin pencil broke at the instant pressure.

"Harley," His silky voice held a hint of threat.

"Mistah Jay, like ya said, it's been three days and he hasn't showed up. Maybe he's taking a little break, ya know? It's Christmas, Daddy! You should take a break as well! Look, I made a nice Christmas meal downstairs. Won't you please come down? Pretty please? With a yummy, bloody cherry on top?" Harley gave him her best puppy dog eyes, and just for measure, added a bite to her lower lip. _'Please, big man upstairs! Give me this, just this once! Please!' _

The Joker sighed once more as he eyed his little toy. He hated when she gave him those eyes. It seemed that the more time he spent with her, the more those eyes managed to work on him. One day, he was going to gouge out those pretty little diamonds right out of their sockets.

"Fine. Dinner then back to work," he conceded to her. Though he would never, _ever _admit it to anyone, he _almost_ enjoyed the tiny familiar squeal she let out as she managed to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Oh thank ya', boss! You're the best, you know that?" With this, Harley skipped in merriment as she made her way outside of the room, not giving the Clown Prince a chance to snap at her.

As she arrived to the table, Harley, cheery once more, went to the kitchen counter's drawer and pulled out a lighter. Walking to the dining room anew, Harley noticed the small radio that sat comfortably on a small bureau in the corner. She had been utilizing the small device while she set up the beautiful decorations in there earlier that day. Much to her enjoyment, one of the radio stations had been playing Christmas music all day long._ 'I wonder if Mistah J would mind if I turned it on.'_

Out of pure inquisitiveness, Harley flicked the small switch on the electronic device, to check which song was on. A grin was soon placed on Harley's face as she recognized the humble tune. Turning to the table, Harley couldn't help but sing along to the enchanting voice of Dean Martin.

"I really can't stay," Harley sang as she turned on the lighter and lit the two lanky, beige candles that resided on the middle of the table.

"_Baby, it's cold outside_," Martin replied seductively.

"I've got to go away!" Harley reciprocated nicely as she began to cut into the roasted turkey with a sharp chef's knife and held the meat in place with a carving fork.

"_Baby it's cold outsid_e_!_" Martin repeated.

"This evening has been, so very nice!" Removing a drumstick, Harley placed it on her darling's plate. The moment that she was going to place the other drumstick onto her plate, she felt two arms around her waist. _You're so unpredictable, Pud…_

Harley chuckled softly as she felt Joker's chin on her shoulder. "I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice!" He smirked as he felt the slight shiver that went down her spine.

"My mother will start to worry," Placing the kitchen utensils down, Harley turned to him as she smiled charmingly at him.

"Beautiful, what's your hurry?" Harley felt herself blush significantly at his remark.

Joker approached her slowly, his lips a breath away.

"Uh, Mistah J?" Harley whispered as she slowly but surely began to lose her appetite for the food but gained a new craving.

"Hm?" Irritated, she could hint.

"I really don't think we should give ole Mickey a show. I mean, it's not like he paid or anythin'…"

Joker smirked knowingly at his doll. "Why, you are absolutely right, Cupcake. Guess we'll have to take care of that, won't we?"

Without altering his current position, Joker nonchalantly pulled out a gun out of his amaranthine blazer and pointed it at a startled henchman. No hesitation did he show as he pulled the trigger.

Mickey, with his eyes shut as he waited for the final blow, felt a small pressure on his forehead. Confused at the reason of him still standing up, the helpmate opened one eye. Mickey let out a bewildered 'huh' as he eyed the object that was stuck to his head. A plastic arrow had apparently been the 'bullet' that the 'weapon' had used. A small banner at the end of the comical pointer read, "RAT TAT TAT!" Mickey looked up the convulsing duo in front of him. For some reason, their howls of laughter deeply disturbed him.

"Did…did ya' see his face! Ha ha ha!" Tears were sliding off of Harley's cheeks.

"He…he thought it was a real gun! Ba ha ha ha ha!"

Mickey sighed as he hunched his shoulders in relief. That was a close one. The Joker, wiping non-existent tears from his violet eyes, gave the henchman one of his trademark smiles.

"Ah, Mickey! Dontcha' just love unexpected surprises! I tell ya, ole pal, when you hang with this crowd, ya' get a whole lot of them!"

The moment these words left the Joker's crimson lips, a low hiss was emitted from the arrow. Fear swam in Mickey's eyes as he recognized the gas that escaped the object upon his forehead. A tingling sensation spread across his face, and the henchman reached for his cheeks as he felt his mouth spasm. Letting out a frightened shriek, Mickey shook violently as his mouth spread itself across his blanching face. A large, disquieting grin now practically took over his face; his teeth gleaming as the Christmas tree's light flickered upon them.

Harley let out one last tinkle of laughter, and then made her way to the fallen form. She smirked as her eyes perceived the trademark smile, not as good as the original though. The Joker followed her and also turned his purple gaze upon it.

"He was giving me lip all day, Daddy."

"Aw my poor Pumpkin Pie! The big Meany's gone now though. Saves me a nickel too," The Joker stated as he winked at Harley. Her response, as usual, was a wonderful giggle.

It was then that Harley Quinn and The Joker grasped each other's arm and merrily skipped back to the dining room; after all that wonderful laughter, their tummies truly wished to be satiated.

However, they halted mid-step as they perceived the horrifying sight that greeted them.

All the poor little harlequin could do was gasp in utter despair as her sapphire gems scanned the heartbreaking damage that was set before them. Bud and Lou, fur smothered in mashed potatoes and sticky gravy, chewed contentedly on the roasted turkey that had been meant for their masters. Finally gaining her voice, Harley managed to shriek, "Babies!"

Joker let out a whistle as he noticed a bead of bird juice streaking down Bud's muzzle. "You'd think they'd have the decency of wearing napkins, eh Harls?" Hearing no laugh as a reply from his girlfriend, the frustrated clown looked over at Harley. Her eyes shone with trapped tears under the luminescent chandelier –which by the way, looked extremely similar to the one hanging in Gotham City Hall now that he thought about it– drops of shimmering water dying to escape.

Joker scowled. "Harley," he barked. With slight hesitance, the beautiful woman turned to her partner in crime, lip very close to quivering. "Did you bring me all the way down here, ceased my wonderful brilliance and creativity, only to drown me with your boo hoo's?

Harley shook her head, her pigtails bobbing gently as she replied, "B-But Pud', that was for you…for us. I wanted to…it was our dinner."

The Clown Prince arched a perfectly green eyebrow. "Are you arguing with me, Pooh?" Harley's eyes widened and she shook her head once more.

"No, no of course not, Puddin'!"

"Good. Didn't feel like impaling you on top of the tree, cupcake."

The jester girl giggled (there we go), then gasped as she came to a sudden realization. "The tree, Mistah Jay! We can still open the presents!"

"Presents? Oh, Harl, please. You know how I find those utterly childish and insignificantly-"

"One of them's a choo choo train," Harley cooed.

"Did I say childish and insignificant? I meant fun and exciting! Let's go!"

* * *

"What's this doo-hickie," was the first thing Joker said as he reached the Christmas tree that lingered at the corner of the highly ornate room. Harley, who had been about to pick up the green wrapped present in which a brand new toy train lay dormant, stood up and turned her attention to the object her lover was pointing at. Like the flick of a light switch, Harley's face lit up immediately and she scurried hurriedly to the Joker's side, hefty box in dainty hands.

"Open it, Mistah Jay!" Harley exclaimed excitedly as she handed the present to the Clown Prince. At the sound of the enthusiastic demand, Joker frowned. He briefly considered socking his girlfriend on the jaw for giving him an order (no one, absolutely _no one_ told The Joker what to do), but at the last minute decided against it; after all, his main focus at the moment was discovering what was inside the box.

Completely disregarding the thought of how long the woman beside him took in exquisitely wrapping the package, The Joker shredded the Christmas paper with complete and utter ease. Once the prize was uncovered, Gotham's most infamous villain could only rise a perfectly green eyebrow as he openly stared at the weapon before him; the sight of it perfectly baffling him.

"It's the 'Squid-o-matic 3000, Puddin'! I found it in an auction a few months back! Well it didn't really shoot squids before, but it just needed a little fixing up! Doc Crane owed me a little favor after I helped him confront his fear over bats. Anyhoo, it doesn't HAVE to throw squids, daddy. We can fill it up with some octopus, or some cuttlefish! Anything ya' want-"As Harley continued to babble on nervously, she did not seem to notice The Joker raise the gun and aim it straight at her. Feeling his sight upon her, Harley looked up and could only squeak as she saw what her boyfriend was planning on doing.

She hated fish. She hated fish. She HATED fish!

The only reason she wanted the gun to launch little sea creatures was because she enjoyed the thought of having her and her lover's enemies assailed by slimy, icky, smelly fish! Now she was going to feel the true impact of the gun herself! Harley closed her right eye, willing herself to stay completely still. If her darling wanted to give it a go on her, then she was willing to take one for the team. His happiness was what truly mattered.

Luckily for the little harlequin, however, The Joker seemed to only be inspecting the comical weapon for he brought it back down. Harley let out a breath that she was not aware she had been holding.

After a few more minutes of the devastating silence, Harley could not take it anymore. "Do ya like it, Puddin'?" The woman bit her lip as she silently eyed her boyfriend's reaction.

"Like it? Harl, this is perhaps the most ridiculous and highly absurd hunk of plastic that I have ever set my heavenly sight upon." The Joker said as he continued to eye the gun.

Harley felt the breath in her lungs leave her as she deflated at his harsh words. Of course he wasn't going to like it. She was stupid for even considering such a ludicrous object. She knew she should have gotten him that fedora. Harley's pigtails drooped slightly as she realized the true stupidity of her choice of gift, giving any spectator the impression of a poor, kicked puppy.

"However," The Joker continued as he gazed at the canister where hundreds of beady little eyes glanced back at him in fear, "now that I think of it, this does seem right up that insipid duos alley. I bet they would never expect this coming at em'!

"In fact, I can already picture bird boy's cape filled with these cute, little suckers! Ha ha ha! What do you say we splash em' with a little surprise, doll face?"

Harley immediately ceased her mental chastising. Did he just…? Harley beamed as she began to bounce up and down on the heels of her feet. "Really, Pud?!"

"Of course, Pooh. I've had about enough of them ruining my special fun. If they want to taint my work with their insignificant existance, then it's only fair I return the favor. Who knows, I might even get to eject some of my load on Batsy! Ha ha ha! Mickey, start the car!"

Silence.

"Uh, Mistah Jay," Harley said as she pointed to the body by the door.

"Oh right, he's dead. Well then baby, looks like you're doing the driving tonight!"

"Aye aye, Puddin!"

* * *

It was at about ten o' clock at night when the entrance to the theater door opened, revealing a scruffy young man.

"Yo, Mickey. Ya' there?" The man said as he entered The Joker's hideout. "I finally got the money, you cheeky bastard. It wasn't easy. Can't believe I actually had to take my kid's presents back to the store for it. Hope that makes ya' happy."

As he stood in the center of the room, the man known as Joe looked around, only to discover the carcass of his fellow henchman. "Oh man…"

Walking towards it, Joe chuckled. "Heh, serves ya right, you schmuck." Joe smiled as he moved the corpse with the edge of his boot. Oh yeah, Mickey was dead. Who would have thought that the crazy clowns would have actually done something good for once? "Well, looks like ya ain't gonna be needing the money now, eh?"

Leaving the theater with a powerful stride, Joe momentarily stopped and gave his fallen comrade a final look. "By the way, Mickey, smiles look good on ya!"


End file.
